Nothing Intense

If you've ever been screamed at, humiliated, hit -- or know someone who has -- you're not alone. Every year, one out of every four women in America is abused by her partner.


Susan's 13-year-old son videotaped his mother being beaten by his father.

1 of 2 When Susan married her longtime boyfriend, Ulner Lee Still, in 1989, she never imagined that she'd be included in that statistic. They dated for years before walking down the aisle, and although she says Ulner was overprotective and controlling at times, she says she believed he was the love of her life.

Once they were married, she says things began to escalate at home. Susan says her husband abused her verbally and psychologically nearly every day of their marriage ... even when their three children were present. Often, Susan says Ulner made audio recordings of his tirades so that he could listen to them later.

For years, Susan says Ulner told her that she was stupid, alienated her from her family and accused her of being a bad mother. "There were times when I absolutely thought I was stupid. There were times that he absolutely had convinced me that I was a terrible mother," she says. Oprah.com: How to heal your teens

Then, after being married for more than 10 years, the emotional abuse took a violent turn. For the last two years of their marriage, Susan says she endured regular beatings at the hands of her husband. She says anything could set him off. "When you're in that life -- in that state of mind -- it's hard to make a decision over the simplest things," she says. "It's hard for you to walk across the room and make sure you're walking across the room the right way."

Domestic abuse is a crime that happens behind closed doors and is rarely, if ever, seen ... until now.

One Sunday afternoon in 2003, Susan says her husband became enraged when she asked him if she could fix him a sandwich for lunch. He went in search of his audio recorder to tape his verbal assault. When he couldn't find it, Susan says he chose the next best thing -- a video camera.

During the first 40 minutes of the video, Ulner screams insults at his wife of 14 years and threatens her with physical violence.

"You play those stupid games with me, I'll knock your teeth out of your face. ... I'm going to knock your head across that wall," he tells Susan as their sons look on. Oprah.com: Susan's children speak out about her abuse

At first, Susan stands silently in the room with her head bowed. Looking back, she says she was trying to come up with a way to calm her husband down. "My mind was racing to find the right answer -- to find the answer that was going to make him happy for that second, to appease him so he wouldn't start hitting," she says.

Nothing she says works. Ulner punches, kicks and slaps his wife repeatedly during the final 10 minutes of the video. As he throws her around the room, he demands Susan's obedience. "You've been taught what to say to me, heifer," he says. "You follow what I say to the T."

In all, he calls her "stupid" 23 times and "heifer" 28 times in less than an hour.

After the camera stopped rolling, Susan says Ulner sent their son to the kitchen to get ice for her bruises. Then, Susan says she showered and spent the rest of the day downstairs, doing laundry and trying to stay far from her husband.

Susan's oldest son didn't just operate the video camera during the verbal and physical assault, he is also heard speaking in support of his father's actions. Over the years, Susan says Ulner brainwashed all three of their children and forced them to participate in her abuse.

On one occasion, Susan says she said something that made her husband so angry that he demanded a family meeting. "He called all the kids in the room ... and he made them call me a 'white ho slut' in unison," she says. "He would tell them when to start, and he would tell them to repeat. ... In my mind, I was screaming, 'That's not what I am. That's not what I am. How can you do this? How can you have my children do this to me?'"

Susan says she was devastated by her children's actions, but she understands why they did it. "I knew that my children needed to do what they needed to do to survive in that house," she says. "If that meant they needed to side with the power, then that's what they had to do."

The same day the video was shot, Susan made a fateful decision. As she was sitting in a room with her oldest son, her husband gestured toward her. "He looked at my son and he said, 'You see, that. That's the road you're headed down if you don't straighten up,'" Susan says.

With that comment, she says she came to the realization that Ulner could possibly end up killing her. So Susan made the decision to leave.

When Susan got to work the next day, she was covered in bruises from the previous day's beating. When Lynne, her friend and boss who knew about the abuse, came over to check on her, Susan says she said, "Today is the day."

Lynne called the police. "They came to my job, they took pictures, and we developed a plan," Susan says. "[I needed] time to decide, where are we going to go? What are we going to do? We had nowhere."

As Susan fled with her sons, Ulner called her repeatedly, trying to track her down. Police recorded the phone calls to document his violent threats. In one he screamed at her, "If you don't bring my son home, I'm going to kill you, heifer."

After years of abusing his wife, Ulner was finally arrested. At trial, Ulner's behavior shocked the prosecutor, Lisa Bloch Rodwin. "I've never seen such arrogance," she says.

"He was making eye contact with the female jurors and trying to look like he was king of the world and that he could control them the way he controlled everybody else. ... When he was interviewed by the probation department, he blamed Susan for putting him in this position. But the judge said to him, 'You still don't get it. You have destroyed these children. You have destroyed this woman.'"

In her closing arguments, Lisa played the videotape for the jury one more time. "What I said to the jury is, 'He keeps saying, I have to teach you.' And I asked the jury to teach him."

They did, finding Ulner guilty of 12 counts of assault and two counts of endangering the welfare of a child. The judge sentenced him to 36 years in prison -- reportedly the longest sentence ever given for this kind of domestic violence. He's not eligible for parole until 2022.

Lisa emphasizes that while the 51-minute videotape put a horrific face on the abuse, it was not the most important piece of evidence in the case. "That videotape shows a misdemeanor assault punishable by up to only one year in jail," she says. "You don't need a videotape. You need to document your injuries."

Ulner got such a stiff sentence, she says, because of the numerous times -- not recorded on any tape -- he beat Susan with items like books and belts. "Those dangerous instruments make it a felony," Lisa says.

Susan didn't keep records of her abuse...but Lynne, her vigilant boss, did. Oprah.com: Suspect abuse? What you can do to help

When Lynne began noticing signs of abuse in Susan, she wanted to make sure she wasn't overreacting. So she started making notes in a calendar every time she witnessed a sign of abuse -- the appearance of bruises, Susan acting withdrawn, coming to work late or being frequently absent.

Lynne even overheard Susan call Ulner "Master" in her frequent phone calls to check in with him.

"One of the huge tips to me was there was a time that [Ulner] had to leave town for a while. And while he was gone, she was a different person," Lynne says. "She was, you know, free and comfortable."

When she thinks of the tape of her own violent beating, Susan refers to the woman in it as a different person from herself -- calling her "she" rather than "I."

"She's a different person to me, but she's very much a part of this person here," Susan says. "I look at her and I think, 'How could you have let yourself get to that state? How could you have let this happen to you?' But I know how I did. So I guess she's a different person to me now. But I know she's here and she's helped me be who I am today."

Abuse comes in many forms -- yet it does not have to be as physically violent as this videotape to still be destructive. Sometimes the abuse is emotional control and isolation from family and friends. Other times, it consists of name-calling and humiliation, economic control or threats of violence.

Recognizing the signs of abuse -- especially in instances where physical violence is not involved -- is not easy, sometimes even for those being abused. Oprah.com: Get the signs of domestic violence

If you think you or someone you know is being abused, it's important to tell someone before it's too late.

(CNN) -- Do you remember the scene in the movie "Something's Gotta Give" where Jack Nicholson's character lies about Viagra to a doctor in the emergency room?

Jack Nicholson in "Something's Gotta Give" denies having taken Viagra -- a move that could've killed him.

He'd just had a heart attack after romancing a (much younger) woman, and the doctor is furiously calling out orders to give him aspirin, blood pressure drugs, and ... nitroglycerine.

"Mr. Sanborn, did you take any Viagra today?" the doctor asks as the nurses load him up with the medicines.

"No. No Viagra," he says.

"Okay, good. Just need to be sure. Because I put nitroglycerin into your drip. And if you'd taken Viagra, the combination could be fatal," the doctor warns.

Cut to Nicholson, who rips the IV out of his arm.

Hollywood got it right: It can be deadly to lie to your doctor. Your doctor "must know everything about you, even if the discussion feels a bit uncomfortable," says Dr. Bernard Kaminetsky, the medical director of MDVIP, a group of boutique medicine doctors with headquarters in Boca Raton, Florida. "What you omit may be the key to a diagnosis."

From finances to sex, bathroom habits to spousal relationships, herbs to illicit drugs, here are 10 things about which you should always be open with your doctor.

Don't hide from your doctor the fact that you:

1. Smoke, drink excessively, do illegal drugs

No one's proud of any of the above, but your doctor needs to know. He can't accurately diagnose and treat your health problems if you hide your substance abuse. "Remember, there are strict privacy laws between patient and doctor, so the information is not going to be shared," Kaminetsky says.

2. Have peeing or pooping issues

"I once had a patient who literally died of embarrassment," Rackner says. "She had blood in her stool, but she was too embarrassed to tell her doctor. A year later she was in terrible abdominal pain, and did go see her doctor. It was colon cancer, and it had spread to other parts of her body." The patient came to see Rackner, but it was too late to do surgery. She died six months later.

"As children, we're taught 'Don't talk about poop. That's potty talk.' So on some level we don't like to talk about these things," Rackner says. "But if she'd brought up the blood in her stool to her doctor, [the cancer] would probably have been at an early stage and she could have been cured."

3. Take herbs

You might feel like your doctor looks down on herbs and other forms of alternative medicine, and there's a good chance you're right; many M.D.'s are dismissive of alternative medicine. But even if you fear seeing your doctor's eyes roll back in her head, tell her about the supplements you're taking. Certain herbs don't mix well with certain medications, so she needs to know.

4. See a chiropractor or an alternative healer

See above about the eye-roll you might get if you tell your doctor you're seeing a chiropractor. But if you're having neck pain, it would help your doctor to know that just a few days ago your chiropractor adjusted your neck.

5. Are having financial troubles

"Money is the ultimate taboo," Rackner says. "We have no idea how to talk about money." But talk about it we must, she says. For example, if your doctor recommends a procedure you can't afford, just say so. You might be able to work something out with the doctor. "Patients can offer to set up payment plans for expensive procedures and pay over time rather than a lump sum," says Dr. Lisa Forbess, assistant professor of cardiology at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School in Dallas, Texas.

6. Want cheap medicine

If you want a cheaper medicine than the one your doctor prescribes, don't be embarrassed to say so. Rackner says for $4 you can buy a list of the generic drugs. Ask your doctor if something on the list could work as well as the one he's suggesting.

7. Feel depressed or anxious or stressed out

Along with money, many people have trouble talking about their feelings. "Depression is a serious disease and a lot of patients hesitate to tell their physician because because they think it's embarrassing, or the problem will go away by itself," Kaminetsky says. "Depression is too dangerous to keep a secret."

8. Defied the doctor's orders

When your gynecologist asks if you are doing your breast exams every month, don't lie and nod your head. Admit that you're not. Perhaps she'll come up with a way to make it easier to remember. Same goes for medicines: If you're bad about taking the drugs your doctor prescribed, she needs to know. This isn't school; you won't be punished.

9. Don't exercise and eat badly

If cupcakes are your best friend and you haven't exercised since the last century, just admit it. Perhaps together you and your doctor can come up with ways to develop better habits.


One of Kaminetsky's patients hesitated to tell him that he was experiencing subtle and occasional difficulty in swallowing. "The patient thought it was so minor and inconsequential that he didn't want to waste the doctor's time mentioning it," Kaminetsky says. But in the end, the patient did mention his symptoms and Kaminetsky says he was able to diagnose early -- and curable -- esophageal cancer.

So how do you get the guts to admit these things to your doctor? "You can just say to the doctor, 'Hey, this is embarrassing for me to talk about. This is hard for me. This is a taboo topic,' " Rackner suggests.


Another option: Tell the nurse, if you feel like you connect with her better.

A third idea: "If your doctor does e-mail, try that, or just write a note," says Rackner. "Some people do better writing things than saying

LAREDO, Texas (CNN) -- Rosalio Reta sits at a table inside a Laredo Police Department interrogation room. A detective, sitting across the table, asks him how it all started.


Police say Gabriel Cardona confessed to working for a Mexican cartel and claimed it's moving into the U.S.

1 of 2 Reta, in Spanish street slang, describes his initiation as an assassin, at the age of 13, for the Mexican Gulf Cartel, one of the country's two major drug gangs.

"I thought I was Superman. I loved doing it, killing that first person," Reta says on the videotape obtained by CNN. "They tried to take the gun away, but it was like taking candy from kid."

Rosalio Reta and his friend, Gabriel Cardona, were members of a thee-person cell of American teenagers working as cartel hit men in the United States, according to prosecutors. The third was arrested by Mexican authorities and stabbed to death in prison there three days later.

In interviews with CNN, Laredo police detectives and prosecutors told how Cardona and Reta were recruited by the cartel to be assassins after they began hitting the cantinas and clubs just across the border.

CNN has also obtained detailed court records as well as several hours of police interrogation videos. The detective sitting across the table from Reta and Cardona in those sessions is Robert Garcia. He's a veteran of the Laredo Police Department and one of the few officers who has questioned the young men.

"One thing you wonder all the time: what made them this way?" Garcia told CNN. "They were just kids themselves, waiting around playing PlayStation or Xbox, waiting around for the order to be given."

Over a nearly one-year period starting in June 2005, the border town of Laredo, Texas, saw a string of seven murders. At first glance, the violence looked like isolated, gangland-style killings. But investigators started suspecting something more sinister.

Then Noe Flores was gunned down in a clear case of mistaken identity. Investigators found a fingerprint on a cigarette box inside the suspected shooter's get-away car. That clue unraveled the chilling reality and led police to arrest Gabriel Cardona and Rosalio Reta.

"There are sleeper cells in the U.S.," said Detective Garcia. "They're here, they're here in the United States."

The cases against Cardona and Reta -- both are in prison serving long prison sentences for murder -- shed new light into the workings of the drug cartels.

Prosecutor and investigators say Reta and Cardona were recruited into a group called "Los Zetas," a group made up of former members of the Mexican special military forces. They're considered ruthless in how they carry out attacks. "Los Zetas" liked what they saw in Cardona and Reta.

Both teenagers received six-month military-style training on a Mexican ranch. Investigators say Cardona and Reta were paid $500 a week each as a retainer, to sit and wait for the call to kill. Then they were paid up to $50,000 and 2 kilos of cocaine for carrying out a hit.

The teenagers lived in several safe houses around Laredo and drove around town in a $70,000 Mercedes-Benz.

As the teens became more immersed in the cartel lifestyle, their appearance changed. Cardona had eyeballs tattooed on his eyelids. Reta's face became covered in tattoo markings. (Prosecutors say during his trial Reta used make-up to cover the facial markings.) And both sported tattoos of "Santa Muerte," the Grim Reaper-like pseudo-saint worshipped by drug traffickers.

"These organizations, these cartels, they function like a Fortune 500 company," Webb County, Texas, prosecutor Uriel Druker said. "We have to remember that the United States is the market they are trying to get to."

In Cardona's interrogation tape, there are clues that "Los Zetas" are reaching deeper and deeper into the United States. Cardona is asked, "Where else are the Zetas?" And Cardona responds, "I've heard in Dallas and Houston."

And that's why the cartel recruited these young Americans. Cardona and Reta could move freely and easily back and forth across the border with Mexico.

Just hours before they were arrested, federal authorities taped a phone conversation between them in which Cardona brags about killing 14-year-old Inez Villareal and his cousin, a Cardona rival.

Cardona laughs as he describes torturing the two boys and dumping their bodies in large metal drums filled with diesel fuel. He says he made "guiso," or stew, with their bodies.

As the call ends, Cardona says, "There are three left to kill, there are three left."

(CNN) -- A Nigerian militant group released pictures Sunday of two Britons identified as captive oil workers, saying the men were "alive and well" and that more such Western workers would be taken hostage if the country does not stop exporting its oil wealth.

The photos, sent in an e-mail by the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta (MEND), show the men, identified as Robin Barry Hughes and Matthew John Maguire, standing on a dirt path wearing dirty shorts and flip flops.

The pictures were "recent," MEND said in a written statement, but it is unclear when they were taken.

MEND, formed in 2005, has taken American and European oil workers hostages in the past. The group is calling for more of the African nation's oil wealth to be pumped into the region -- instead of going to foreign investors -- and the release of political prisoners.

The United States Agency for International Development says more than 70 percent of Nigeria lives on less than a dollar a day -- the population is among the 20 poorest in the world.

Nigeria's federal government and oil companies split oil profits roughly 60-40. The money is then supposed to make its way down to the local governments to fund various projects, but little money actually reaches its intended destination.

The country's anti-corruption agency estimates between $300 billion to $400 billion has been stolen or wasted over the last 50 years.
A spokeswoman for the British Foreign Office said the government was aware of the pictures.

"We call for their immediate and unconditional release and will remain in close contact with their families," the spokeswoman said, though she declined to elaborate on whether the families had seen the photos. "Our thoughts are with them on this deeply distressful time."

Violence in oil-rich Nigeria has been limiting crude supplies out of the country. MEND has been attacking oil pipelines in retaliation against government forces, limiting the amount of crude oil that can be exported.

MEND also repeated its threat that the men would be held hostage until the Nigerian government releases one of the group's members, Henry Okah, who was taken into custody last year and, according to local reports, is charged with treason.

(CNN) -- German billionaire Adolf Merckle, one of the richest men in the world, committed suicide Monday after his business empire got into trouble in the wake of the international financial crisis, Merckle's family said Tuesday in a statement.

Merckle, 74, was hit by a train in the southwestern town of Ulm, police said.

His family said the economic crisis had "broken" Merckle.

He was number 94 on the Forbes list of the world's richest people. He had fallen from number 44 on the Forbes 2007 rich list as his fortune declined from $12.8 billion to $9.2 billion in 2008.

Merckle's business empire included interests as diverse as cement-maker HeidelbergCement and generic drug-maker Ratiopharm. But he lost hundreds of millions of dollars, including company capital, betting against Volkswagen stock last year.

The state government of Baden-Wuerttemberg rejected his petition for financial assistance, and he entered bailout talks with several German banks.

"The financial troubles of his companies, induced by the international financial crisis and the uncertainty and powerlessness to act independently which the financial problems brought about, broke the passionate family business man, and he took his own life," his family wrote in the news release.

An employee of Germany's railroad company found the body on the tracks at about 7 p.m. Monday and notified authorities. Merckle's family had already reported him missing earlier in the day after he walked out of the house and did not return. Authorities are currently conducting DNA tests to confirm his identity.

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
11. A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
12. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
13. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
14. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
15. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
16. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla, in 1981, sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
17. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
18. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
19. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
20. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit, Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
21. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
22. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
23. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
24. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, coming to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

Can you cry under water?



How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?



Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



What disease did cured ham actually have?



How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?



If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.



Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!



If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?



If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbnE6jb4VUM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flub8vnfFiI

Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.


I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!


Life in a vacuum sucks


You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed


Two wrongs are only the beginning.


You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever.


"Suicide Hotline...please hold."


All work and no play, will make you a manager.


As I said before, I never repeat myself.


A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing..


Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.


Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.


Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.


Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.


I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.


Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?


hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?


Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.


ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!


A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.


Conserve energy... fart in a jar


Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy..


I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.


There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!

WHICH one are you? WHICH one do you want to be?