Sexual Energy: Feel the Heat

Catherine Zeta-Jones's take-no-prisoners oomph. George Clooney's let's-do-it eyes. Hugh Grant's crooked smile. Halle Berry's everything. It's exhausting to think that we have to measure up to all that exceptional, multimagnified sex appeal. All of it so inaccessible, so expensive and so impossible.

Any sensible woman would conclude that you might as well pull up your faded comforter, grab some chocolate, and give up the idea of anybody ever finding you irresistible. Instead, try this advice on for size:

Be Yourself: Irresistible.
Consider that being irresistible is more a matter of interest and appetite than of anything else. You can forget about becoming everyone's physical ideal. Everyone has their preferences, their weaknesses and even their hang-ups (even this author). There's nothing you can do about that. If he's mad for tall blondes and you're a short brunette, don't rush out for Clairol and three-inch heels. There's a better way. And forget about miniskirts (unless they look not only good but effortless on you). Irresistible is something else. It transcends the physical, it plays fast and loose with the psychological, and it makes the world a bigger, more entertaining, more filled-with-possibilities place.

Own Your Appetites.
And then there's appetite: The thing women are not supposed to have. You can fake blonde. You can fake tan. You can even fake sexy—for a while. What you can't fake is the real and unmistakable scent and feel of someone who actually likes…sex. Who would you rather have dinner with: the flour-fearing vegan or the happy omnivore who looks on dessert as a special occasion, not a torment? So it is with sex. Shame, guilt and aversion are not attractive to most people. Confidence and an adult appreciation of pleasure—and of the amazing human machine, which despite imperfections and wear and tear, can do such a glorious job of delivering it—is appealing. People who know that and show that they do are simply irresistible.

Let Your Warmth Shine Through.
The heart of sexual energy is making others feel beautiful, wanted, clever, charming, making them see themselves in the warm, pink light of our unembarrassed attention and allowing some of the flattering light to fall on ourselves, our strong points and our frank interest. It isn't the tenacious, almost hostile, approach of the lonely man or woman who is only a step away from turning on us if we disappoint. It isn't breaking up marriages or insulting one's spouse. It is embracing the world and the people in it; it is embracing desire and attraction as sources of pleasure rather than shame, and appreciating what we have to offer as well as what they, the lucky objects of our desire, do.